Saturday, August 23, 2014

Honorary Warrior, Christy 5 of 5

We want to thank those who signed up for an opportunity to become an honorary warrior. It's scary to put your words out there to be evaluated by your peers--especially in a setting such as this. We applaud your bravery and truly appreciate you trusting us with your beloved words. 

For the next two weeks, we'll be looking at our winners first pages and providing our thoughts. Week Two: Christy.

Christy submitted a MG fantasy titled: ANCORA. Click here to see Christy's submission free of any comments. Every few days this week, we'll post one of our critiques of these first pages. To see all the critiques (once they have all posted) you can click the quick link under label titled Honorary Warriors.

Please know, we found it is extremely difficult to provide feedback on a blog post without the document becoming a bit of a mess. For this reason, some of our 'THIS IS AWESOME' comments may be at the bottom of the document. Areas that caused hesitation, questions, and praise are highlighted with the reason pasted immediately after the paragraph.
Rina's Thoughts:
Katie twisted the stark white feather between her fingertips. Three feet from base to tip, it was unlike any she’d ever seen. Not just because of its size, but because of the way it glimmered -- as if it possessed its own light source.
Very intriguing! And what a beautiful image. 
She ran a finger over its tufts. How could it be so strong and soft at the same time? A single bead of water slid from the feather’s base to its tip, glittering in the moonlight and falling to the ground.
Nice thought.
As she held it, something tugged at her inside. She had an urge to answer, to yell out, “yes!” and “here I come!” It startled her, but instead of dropping the feather, she curled her fingers even more tightly around it.
Could cut.
She was in her secret place, a tucked-back nook in the woods near her house. She guarded its secret like a dragon hoarding a jeweled chalice, never mentioning it to anyone, careful no one saw her coming or going between its branches.
Could tweak this a bit to make a little more “show-y”, something better than this but just an example:   
 “Katie rested her back against the sturdy tree trunk, exhaling and letting the solitude of her secret pace relax her.” 
She first discovered the spot between a thick of bushes and trees draped in green hanging moss. The dome of limbs and vines arched from the ground like the half-circle monkey bars on a playground. To her it was a fortress, a castle, a secret keep. She trekked the woods near her house, pulling down palm fronds to cover the dome. She named her hideout Palm Island.
Could introduce a little foreshadowing here? Maybe something like,
 “She discovered the spot on accident. One afternoon when her house was too full of worry to offer any cozy places, she ran outside, through the woods at the edge of her yard and poof—there it was.
Katie escaped to Palm Island anytime she needed to be alone. Days like today.
As she examined the feather, a shiver ran all the way down her spine and left a trail of goose bumps to her toes. It mattered. Yet she did not know why, or how much – only that it did.
At this point I’m finding myself very curious about where that feather came from
Just then, she was startled by a quick flash of movement through the layers of branches and vines. Then a stir of leaves. A step-crunch-step.
Could cut
 From her shadowed alcove, she pulled back a branch and peered out, the feather clutched at her side. Ahead, another white flash swished through panels of shadow and light. She walked toward it, but the footsteps receded. The whiteness vanished.
Could cut to keep the tension up. 
The surrounding air thickened and grew damp, the sounds of night distant, muffled as if swallowed in a cloud.
J So good! 
Her grandmother’s voice sliced through the murky air. Katie whipped her head toward home. At that moment, a gust of wind snatched the feather from her hand. She darted to catch it, but it streaked away, spiraling into the night.
And it took some part of her with it -- a small, lonely spark of light that hadn’t been there before.
Katie remained staring up long after the faintest glimmer had vanished.
Her grandmother’s third call broke the spell over her, and she turned toward home. 
In the house, pots and pans clanked from the kitchen and the smell of sautĂ©ed onions and ground beef filled the air – her grandmother starting dinner.
Katie would offer to help, but her Grandma would only usher her away, telling her to go visit her mom. She needed a little more time to work up the courage.
Random idea, what if you set this thought off into its own paragraph? 
In her room, she slumped to the floor. A year ago, the doctors said her mother had two years to live. The past year had vanished like a word written too close to the ocean’s shore.
HEARTBREAK. Poor baby.  I like these lines, but what if they came at the end of the next paragrapgh? What if the reader learns about Katie’s mom with this line: A painful ache started there the day she learned her mother had cancer, and had only grown worse since.
Katie absently lifted both hands to cover her heart. A painful ache started there the day she learned her mother had cancer, and had only grown worse since. She wondered if other girls her age felt this way. She was only twelve but sometimes felt as though she’d lived twelve lifetimes.
Absent-mindedly ? 
Her cat Coal squeezed in the doorway and rubbed against her sneakers. His eyes met hers and he greeted her with a trilling mew.
“Hi Coal,” Katie said. She stroked his silky black fur. He purred and dropped to his back, looking up at her from half slit eyes.

“It was a rough day,” she said, scratching his stomach. He took her hand between his front paws and licked one of her knuckles, then rolled on his side. His tail hit the carpet in soft thumps.
So glad she has this source of comfort. 
Some things I thought were especially awesome:
* She guarded its secret like a dragon hoarding a jeweled chalice, never mentioning it to anyone, careful no one saw her coming or going between its branches.
To her it was a fortress, a castle, a secret keep. 
The past year had vanished like a word written too close to the ocean’s shore.

1 comment:

  1. Wow, thank you so much!!! I am a big fan of your writing. It's such a gift to have this feedback from you.

    You are a master at voice -- it's so helpful to see how you make everything closer and in the moment. It's especially helpful to see where I'm telling instead of showing. And I love the idea of a little foreshadowing! Thank you so very much!

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